ph: Amanda Mabel
I've always been told that I deserve better. But I never took that advice to heart because I am an extremely passionate person. Whatever I want, no matter how painful, difficult, or tiring it is, I will put my utmost heart and efforts into attaining it. But lately, I've been drained of the energy to hold on.
I've always wondered what I was to him. We were friends, but not really. Friends, after all, would make some sort of effort to catch up with each other. I was more like his secretary. He only came to me when he needed help, and of course, I was always willing to fix him whenever he was broken. If he missed class or had any difficulty with assignments, I was there. I never even thought about making him reciprocate my obvious feelings for him. Instead, I just continued to help him. I even listened to him pour his emotions out on the phone. I gave him words of advice and told him that everything was going to be okay. I never hinted that I liked him. I didn't make an effort into asking him out. I didn't openly flirt with him. I didn't want to appear pushy and I wanted him to feel like I'm the girl he could count on. The one that would completely understand everything he was going through.. and maybe, just maybe, he'll somehow feel the same way.. if I was lucky enough.
Then something happened. I woke up one day and realized that he only saw me as a friend. It was obvious. He only talked to me when he needed me. Otherwise, I didn't really mean that much to him. I was always on the side, while he flirted with other girls. Every time this happened, I'd remind myself that if I was patient enough, I'd start to mean something. But after months and months of waiting, nothing happened. Nothing has changed. He still continued to talk to me on the phone for hours at hand, but he didn't ask me to spend time with him out of school. Most of our conversations were school-related, and I could feel myself slowly fall into the friend zone, if I had not already been there in the first place. So I gave up. I stopped looking at him the way I always did. I stopped initiating conversations. I skipped the classes I had with him. I was weak. I didn't have the strength to be friends. I had too much pride to admit that I could not be friends with him because I'm always going to want more. It is the most selfish thing I have ever done to anyone. I am the type of person who cannot and will not turn down a cry for help, and leaving him was incredibly difficult. We were never anything to begin with, but the hardest part of my decision is that I miss him. And honestly, I am pretty sure that he doesn't miss me. He has not contacted me. Perhaps he's afraid of doing so, but if he had any feelings for me, he would eventually. I was afraid to do this sooner because I could not accept the fact that he didn't feel the same way. Although I knew it was a huge possibility, I did not want to believe it. But sometimes, we need the truth. I couldn't wait on him hand and foot selflessly.
It hurts to know that he'd forget me. But maybe this is the way it's supposed to end. Maybe I had to learn that being friends with someone you have irrevocable feelings for is self-harming and unnecessary. At least with him out of the picture, I didn't lose much. Actually, he never offered me anything, and even his friendship is replaceable. But for now, the only person who has my utmost attention and care for, is me. And I'm the only one I really need.
-M