ph: Elder Macedo
Even as a kid I felt that I was going to live this life alone, and the world proved that to me. For most of my life, I didn't have anyone I was close to. No one had any romantic interest in me, and when one person did, I was actually very shocked. Of course, I twisted my lack of male attention into a feeling of worthlessness. I was always told that I was pretty, but everyone lied. My friends laughed at my jokes, but they were only laughing at me. There was absolutely no way that I was a kind, attractive, funny girl, and the proof was in my lack of a boyfriend. That's how I tend to think - no evidence supports this certain belief, so it has to be false. I battle that mindset every day.
On my 18th birthday, the world finally decided to give me my first boyfriend. Four months of unconditional love slid into the gutter of two months' worth of arguments, blackmail, insults, and betrayal. I admitted to myself that I jumped into the relationship way too quickly and that I never really loved HIM, just the idea of him that I had built up in my head. I'm not a romantic, I'm not a girly girl, I'm fiercely independent, I don't hold hands, and these series of events just validated what I was thinking - I'm just not wired for relationships. I accepted the fact that I would probably never fall in love.
Two years later, I fell in love.
No, he doesn't love me back.
I don't know if my love is blinding or just very pure, but those two sentences don't bother me. My love isn't dependent on his feelings for me. It took me a long time, but I'm finally at peace. At the same time, any person in love can't help but fantasize about the day that the person they love confesses their similar feelings, with kisses and hugs and roses and blah blah blah...I don't want to just fall in his arms and walk into the sunset. I know what a one-sided relationship is like, and I don't want another one.
Come on. I'm not stupid. I'm not waiting for my fantasies to come true, but I did write this as a reminder, a kind of manifesto - for me, for you, for all of the people out there who just can't stop loving:
“I am just like my love.
My love grows, my love changes. My love learns, my love hurts. My love wishes to be seen. My love wants to be loved.
Your happiness is my happiness. Do you know that yet? For my sake and for the sake of my love, if you do not know that and still ask for my hand, I should refuse.
When you finally understand, you will not ask just for my hand. You will ask for all of me, knowing that I have always been yours.”
- B